Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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