dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Drake has all the answers
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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