sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
