Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
