were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
