I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
