the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
