I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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