Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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