my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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