Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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