we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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