I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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