Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
