All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
