Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
