On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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