Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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