I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
