I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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