moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
