In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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