I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
