where am i from again
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
