Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
