quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
