Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So much Jack, so little girl.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
