so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
