Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
