I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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