she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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