I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
