textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
