Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
