I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
