just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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