his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
