i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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