when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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