i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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