you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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