What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
