Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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