I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
