in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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