I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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