After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
