The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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