his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
