I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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