What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
