I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
